Basic Basics
A BDSM relationship is a consensual exchange of power. An individual agrees to submit to the power and control of another for the purpose of mutual pleasure though not necessarily through sex. Prior to that, there is some understanding as to what each side expects out of the relationship or encounter. To have that consent and understanding, the person surrendering power must be able to give consent and come to an understanding. The creed of 'no one unwilling, underaged or unstable' is at the heart of these relationships. If there is no consent, what happens in an encounter can be viewed as assault, battery and rape.
Once upon a time BDSM was all called Sadomasochism (SM, S/M or S&M) and the players were all deemed very bad, sick, perverted people. We were just people though, as horny as everyone is, with a little kink to make us special. But some of us didn't want to be called sick, bad perverts and these people invented names like Dominance and Submission (D&S, DS or D/s), Love Bondage (Love Bondage) and Bondage and Discipline (B&D) to make themselves and the pleasure police think that what they did was different from what those sad, twisted, nasty old sadomasochists did, no no! Then we all got online with our personal computers (well, a lot of us did) and began doing what people do best when they're not having sex: argue. For months arguments about labels for our kinks clogged up the computer networks.
Finally, the term BDSM was born. This made many kinky people happy because it incorporated Bondage and Discipline (BD), Dominance and Submission (DS) and Sadomasochism (SM). We told the Love Bondage set that we loved them very much. To prove it, we tied them all up and dumped them in a deserted warehouse in East L.A. where we kept them bound in a circle whining Barry Manilow tunes from behind their gags. Did the arguments stop? Fat chance. Most of us, though, have found other things to argue about between sexual encounters.The intensity of play in these relationships can range from the sensual where the biggest threat is denial of orgasm, to the infliction of agonizing pain. There may be definite, assigned roles during play. There may be nurturing or humiliation. There could be a mix of styles and intensity. It all depends on what has been decided between the persons who are participating. What may look like an abusive relationship to an outsider, may be heaven for those involved.
The level of intensity is often defined by the degree of Power Exchange. Power Exchange is the empowerment of the dominant by the submissive's surrender to his/her control. Power exchange is consensual and should be well negotiated. The depth of the power yielded by the submissive is equal to level of responsibility assumed by the dominant. Power exchange levels is a system for linking emotional involvement and depth of feeling with degree of power exchange. The Five Levels are: one - Conditional compliance, two - Restricted ongoing acquiescence, three - Provisional submission, four - the Covenant of dominance and submission, and five - Absolute ownership. The first four levels are based in reality
While BDSM relationships are the place for exploration of sexual boundaries, to work well it requires some sexual sophistication. The participants should have some knowledge of who they are and what they like sexually before entering into such a relationship. They should be open, honest and as articulate as possible about needs and desires. When these simple guidelines are followed, incredible revelations and pleasure await.
Play Safe
We don't just mean safer sex precautions (which are a must), we mean safe play: Safe, sane, and consensual - Characterizes the acceptable play within the SM community; players adhere to safety precautions within their activities. do not participate in practices that will injure their partners (mentally or physically), and obtain consent by negotiating scenes and scene related activities before carrying them out.
Toys and Equipment
The web sites and books listed in this primer will give an exhaustive look at the options available in all levels of play and how to best use them. I recommend the web sites because they have photos or illustrations of each item. I would also suggest that you go to an adult store or visit a friend into the scene so that you can see how it feels to hold the items in your hands, and as much as is comfortable, experience the feel of the item.There is no one definitive set of toys a Top must have. Toys, like clothes reflect the kind of play we are interested in. Here is a list of very basic items.
• Rope
• Restraints (could be leather cuffs, handcuffs or even silk scarves)
•Blindfold
•Gag
•Nipple clamps
•Cock ring
•Dildos
•Butt plug
•Paddle
•Flogger
•Whip
•Collar
•Candles
•Condoms, lube, other safe sex materialsThese items don't have to come from an adult store. Household items can easily be used for the same function. Hairbrushes make great paddles, clothes pins make for very persuasive nipple clamps and let's not forger what Dr. Ruth said about cucumbers!
Storage
Tops store their toys and equipment in all manner of ways. They can be in a special drawer or they could be in a battered cardboard box in the closet. How they are stored says a lot about the kind of Top the individual is. Often it is the task of the slave to keep the implements of his/her torture clean and in good order. The laying out of the toys is often used as preparation of play. Cleaning them and putting them away is used to cool down from the scene.Wardrobe
Like toys, the choice of play clothes is as varied as the individuals playing. It can be anything from the full leather ensemble with chains and hooks to nothing but a whip and a naughty smile. The thing to keep in mind with play clothes is that they should make the wearer feel sexually potent and desirable. So whatever does that for the Top and makes the bottom believe it is a valid choice. If a sub is allowed to choose the clothing for play, the same rule applies - whatever makes the individual feel sexual and desirable is a valid choice.
Be creative and have fun!